Thursday, November 11, 2004

Author Unknown

Dear President Bush,

YeeeHa and a big old hi boy, howdy! As you know, being from Crawford, Texas, that's the way we talk down south.

Congratulations on winning your second term as President of theUnited States of America. It was your strong conviction as a Xtian that won against the Democrat's evil candidate.
I'm also a born-again religious fundamentalist, but I am not a biblical scholarlike you. I am trying to be evangelical and bring in more good 'ol southern boys into the fold, because The Word seems to give us a great deal of freedom to do as we please. We appreciate your support and example.


Since you are a theological scholar, I do need some advice from you regarding a few items found in The Word and how to follow them. These questions are perplexing and cause arguments among us while cooking up some good 'ol meth and "shine." That's not being hypocritical is it?

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that we religionists may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't we own Canadians as well as Mexicans?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? Bythe way, which day is "The Sabbath?" Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday? There seems to be lots of confusion regarding that over the years.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? If so, where can these degrees be found in the BIBLE? Do abominations have degrees of difficulty similar to those in gymnastic events?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God ifI have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?I would hate to go to Hell for having poor eyesight and approaching an altar by mistake!

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, includingthe hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? Hanging? Death by squirrel rifle? Beheading?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these issues extensively and enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. I am looking forward to your definitive advice as a theological scholar and advocate for fundamental religionists in this country.

Thank you again for reminding us that The Word of the BIBLE is eternal, absolutely unchanging, and should always be followed by religious fundamentalists to the letter as you undoubtedly do.

Yours in Politics,
Billy Bob Botts

Smackover, Arkansas

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