Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Joe Blundo writes a funny/true/sad

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. ''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ''Not real effective," he said. ''The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," anOntario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, learn how to shoot a handgun and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. Many others were caught wearing Birkenstock sandals with young appearing feet in them - a dead giveaway.

''If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."


6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great column, proving these leftists are a bunch of hypocrites. Still waiting for these liars to leave U.S., since their loser hero ozone al, lost 2000 election.

10:08 PM, December 03, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this true?
I wouldn't put it pass the Rovian/chimp master to really try something like this.

In some red states they already probably have camps set up to hide all the voters who were disenfranchised and were not allowed to vote.

5:49 AM, December 04, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ACTUALLY believe that those wascally Wepubwicans are doing this sort of thing, I only have two questions for you...
1) What color is the sky in your demented world...
2) If it is ANY color but blue, what is your address, so we can pick you up humanely and quickly....

9:07 AM, December 04, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ACTUALLY believe that those wascally Wepubwicans are doing this sort of thing, I only have two questions for you...
1) What color is the sky in your demented world...
2) If it is ANY color but blue, what is your address, so we can pick you up humanely and quickly....

9:07 AM, December 04, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To those who posted before me:
Lighten up; this piece should be humorous to both the left and the right.

This country cannot simply be categorized as red or blue any more than the real world is black and white. If you fail to see that life is composed of many shades of gray, then you haven't learned anything.

Signed,
A Californian liberal who didn't vote for Bush or Kerry;
who supports our troops and cries for each and every soldier killed in Iraq, but opposes the war (forget Sadam; get Osama);
who considers separation of church and state a non-issue;
who opposes the death penalty (life in prison is worse than dying; civilized societies don't engage in capital punishment);
who doesn't eat meat and could give a damn if others do.

Consider genuine home land security rather than arbitrary attacks abroad; recycling/reusing instead of lazily trashing things; practicing considerate driving instead of aggressive, selfish road behavior; and getting your own house in order before condemning others.

11:33 AM, December 20, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dang where did these conservatives get there views on left liberals i for one love getting my hands dirt damn standardization of peoples http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1294209/posts

8:03 PM, April 12, 2005  

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