Friday, July 07, 2006

From the Original Curbstone Critic

Old Baldy and the She-Bears

by Tom A. Ellis

I recently received a letter, from a person who is obviously one of that great Moral Majority, in which I am told that I am a menace to Christian Morality. What's unusual is that it carries an unveiled threat. The letter reads:

"What a tragic thing to have you come out of retirement. For years I never read you, and that is why you made me so very angry for your every word was against us reverent, loving Christians.

"Your picture shows that you are as hairless as you are evil, and this is dangerous for me. I fear you because you are bald, and that may put my children in mortal danger. My children are mischievous and make fun of their grandfather, who combs his hair with a washcloth. They call him, "Old Baldie."

"My father doesn't care. Loving them, he is understanding. But what I fear is they may see you, or your picture, and might call you "Old Baldie" too. And knowing your evil disposition, I dread what you might do.

"I wonder if you would be like Elisha in II Kings? When the children of the city came out to meet Elisha on the road, they laughed at him, and called him "Old Baldie". Now Elisha was sensitive about his hairless head, and it made him angry. So he asked God to send a she-bear out of the woods.

"And since God is bald too, He granted Elisha's request. And that old she-bear gobbled up 42 of those pesky children. And that's what heroes are made of -- God bless this Christian America, and Elisha too, though I don't care much for she-bears, or you.

"So, you had better be warned. If a she-bear eats my children, I will know who was responsible, and I will testify against you in the only court that means anything -- the County Court."

Of course, I know what many of you readers are thinking -- that I am being spoofed, even derided by this writer. So did I think -- at first. Later, I reconsidered.

After all, if sincere, this is on an intellectual level with that of many of my critics. If, on the other hand, he was exhibiting a sense of humor, that automatically removes the writer from their class -- most of my critics have no sense of humor.

Too, as I reflect, I must consider this as clearly a form of bald harassment, bearing as it does on a head whose baldness I can barely bear-- he even bears double hard with a she-bear.

Only again, another doubt (I wonder if in Biblical ignorance he is a Unitarian?). As I recall the story, God sent not one she-bear, but two. And that makes sense. One she-bear in gulping down 42 children would surely suffer a bellyache almost unbearable even for a hungry bear.


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