Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Top Ten Worst in Springfield

The 10 worst in Springfield

10. Hammons Field. After running people out of their homes using eminent domain, the city sells the land to John Q. Hammons, who has never seen a public treasury that he didn't covet. What do you get? $7 Parking, $5 beer (no selection, Bud products only -- if you want a good beer go to the Brewing Company), and small $3 bags of some stale peanuts - inedible. Another reason why professional sports suck.

9. All movie theaters -- except for the Moxie. Outrageous ticket prices. Movies made for idiots or fundies in Springfield, stupid prices for popcorn, and armed guards at the door to prevent a Snickers bar from sneaking in. Need I say more?

8. KWTO AM -- Must have some redeming qualities because business still buys ads on it, but it's not the ratings. The lamest programming this side of the new Brittany Spears TV show. Billy Long fitting in 18 commercials in a 30 minute period and Bonnie Bell doing some sort of Valley Girl talk imitation. So incessantly in-your-face right wing that Bill O'Reilly got an amplifier for his butt plug to drown out the noise.

7. The Springfield News-Leader. New motto, "No news is good news"

6. Steak and Ale. The perennial winner of the Springfield Magazine "Best Resturant". Merely proves that people in this berg have (a) no taste, or (b) don't shop for their menu ingredients at Sam's Club.

5. Harlows. A warm and inviting combination of surly and rude waitresses and hillbilly fare cooked badly.

4. Any joint that calls itself a "Gentlemen's Club". I might rate them higher if for no other reason that they piss off all the fundies around town. But I am not into tattoos, police-designed costumes, or the incessent begging for money for the jukebox. One crazed fundie used to picket a place called "The Crazy Horse" (with far less class than the one in Paris), until someone tipped him off that it was owned by a Hells Angels-like biker club. Since he had had his Thorazine that day decided not to bother their business any more ....

3. Walmart. All the color, noise and ambiance of a NASCAR grandstand with the added benefit of seeing every overweight goober in the Ozarks yelling at the kids. Wonderful shopping experience, if you enjoy Texas Chain Saw Massacre movies.

2. hOOters. Has got exactly two things going for it. Eye candy -- not too filling but not very satisfying either. And it's located close to the Nature Center where you can cleanse your soul with a long hike.


1. Any bar on Commercial street where Vietnam Vets or wanna' be's hang out. If you are into weepy old drunks who lie a lot -- just the places for you.


The Ozark Empire Fair.

Deep fried Twinkies.

One water fountain in 95 degree weather


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