Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Helping a Fellow Blogger

Many others who write blogs would never be noticed were it not for friends who help them advertise their blogs with links, quotes, or just plain theft.

So it is with my discovery of a previously unknown blooger from Taos New Mexico,
(who claims to know buDDy -- but I know buDDy has more class), who writes under the nome de plume, Dave baRRy. Here is one of his takes. I hope he appreciates that I give him free advertising. Perhaps it will help his career plans.

But the point is, I am not personally in Turin. Nevertheless, I have prepared the following guide of Winter Olympic Events to Watch:

FIGURE SKATING: In this dramatic and demanding sport, competitors must perform difficult skating maneuvers while dressed as swans and wearing enough makeup to spackle a four-bedroom house.

And those are the men.

Judges enter their scores into a computer, which calculates the results using an objective scientific formula, after which the Russians always win because they CHEAT.

BIATHLON: This fun sport was invented by the Norwegians, often called ''The Yuckmeisters of Western Scandinavia.'' Rifle-toting competitors ski for a while, then shoot at targets, then ski some more, then shoot some more, then ski some more, then shoot some more, then ski some more, then shoot some more and so on until France surrenders.

THE LUGE: Competitors wearing Spider-Man costumes lie on their backs on tiny sleds and go down the bobsled run. The ones who survive (about 8 percent) are tested for drugs. If they don't contain any, they are declared legally insane.

THE SKELETON: This is the same as the luge, except competitors go headfirst. The medal winners stand on a special ''booster'' podium because when they cross the finish line and hit the stopping barrier, their bodies are compressed to the height of a Pringles can.

CROSS-COUNTRY CURLING: In this grueling sport, competitors, using brooms to clear the way, race to see who can be the first to slide a heavy stone across Italy.

SKI-JUMPING WITH CELEBRITIES: This is a new sport, introduced this year to boost TV ratings. Competitors are sent down the ski-jump ramp, often leaving deep grooves for the entire length with their fingernails, then soar into space, where they encounter gravity. The heavily favored U.S. team consists of Erik Estrada, William Shatner, Nicole Richie, Lieutenant Uhura from Star Trek and the naked guy from Survivor.

BROKEBACK BOBSLED: This is another new sport, about which little is known, other than that, according to International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge, it ``involves sheep.''

Of course these are just a fraction of the Winter Olympics highlights. There will be plenty of other action in events such as the 500 meters, the 750 meters, the 1,000 meters, the 1,250 meters, the 1,300 meters, the 1,325 meters, and the 1,325.874 meters, to name just a few of the more exciting lengths. NBC is planning 17,000 hours of coverage, and you will not want to miss a single minute.

So strap yourself into your Barcalounger and enjoy the show!

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