Monday, December 25, 2006

NORAD Fails Us Again

At just a few minutes after midnight tonight news reports started leaking from deep within the caverns of Chyenne Mountain that a situation was developing over the continental US that places us in as much danger as on September 11th.

At 11:50:36.57645434 an unknown object was reported whizzing over the eastern US crashing into most residences on the east coast. Damage is reported to be extensive. Eyewitnesses suggest that a drunken elf is at the controls of a "large sleigh" or UFO. (Although these reports have been minimized by the US Air Force as "citizens in their cups doing some fanticising over non-existant beings - remember the last scare over the tooth fairy and the easter bunny?) NORAD is looking for the red telephone to notify the President, but seems to have misplaced it during the office party held until the wee hours last night.

Major General Assoverteakettle, duty officer at NORAD, said they were going to scramble the two remaining DC-3s left in flyable condition in the continental US from Luke AFB, to observe the object as it crossed the Mississippi river. Teakettle, in a short statement said all other Air Force equipment is either deployed, in transit, or worn out and rusting in the sands of the Middle East protecting us againt hoards of lonely goatherds singing on the hilltops. "We will have all this sorted out within 24 hours", he promised.

Since damage has been so extensive, FEMA has been notified. The nightwatchman who answered the phone said that he would leave a post-it note on the door of the director, but was not sure when it would be read since, "The Director is out to lunch, and I don't know when or if, he will ever come back."

THIS JUST IN: First responders across the nation have been asked to pick up their white painted helment liners at local armories and leave thier normal duties of guarding watertowers, viaducts, and swimming pools, and report to local politician's houses. Since many of these first responders are elderly, having joined during the latest slackening of age standards by Civil Defense, they are expected to take several hours to report after finding false teeth, eyeglasses, light switches, mittens and boiling water for the handy heating pad they are required to sit on.

Halliburton has just announced that they have been awarded a contract to rebuild the east coast. They had no estimate of the value of the contract, but said that wasn't important anyway since it was "cost plus 20%". They have stated that they will not repeat previous mistakes like forgetting to put plumbing into each and every house. An immediate call for plumbers has just gone out at a starting wage of $243,000 per hour.

Deaths are rported to be very high, but David FatCity, spokesman for the Bush administration disputed the figures saying that, "It' appears to be the fault of liberals and democrats who opposed our suggesting in 1964, to strengthen roofs and make chimneys wider."


Blogger Jacke M. said...

Merry Christmas, John.

2:45 AM, December 25, 2006  
Blogger John Stone said...

Thanks Jacke ... same in return ... see ya' at boogers meetings ...

2:54 AM, December 25, 2006  

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