Why Religions Suck

Of all the sects of religion in America, probably none is goofier than the Mormons -- OK, maybe that Roman Catholic and Voodoo hybrid in New Orleans is nuttier -- but only by a little.

The Mormans think that they can get your slimy butt into heaven after you are dead ... AFTER YOU ARE DEAD ... by baptizing you; in absensia, of course. They cull death records in courthouses, lurk around funeral homes, and take names at airliner wrecks, and then have a ... heh, heh, heh ... "stand-in" be baptized. Well, at least they are standing -- the subject of the ceremony isn't.

Just another cornball idea of people doing their weird thing? Kinda' like the Catholics doing the transmorgrification thing with the Nabiscos and Welches grape juice -- oh, sorry -- the Catholics use Ripple, it's the Baptists that go for the Welches.

But it seems as though the Mormons have been baptizing everybody -- including Jews! And the Jews are a little pissed that they arn't good enough for their own heaven, now they have to hang around with a bunch of anal-retentives from Provo for eternity who won't even give them a Coke.

The Mormans have baptized Ann Frank, Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, and George Bush. Just what I want for my eternity -- an apartment nextdoor to the Smirking Chimp.

I suggest that the Jews go through the death records and have a stand-in be circumcised if they find some clown who hasn't had his tallywhacker, whacked. "Come on over here Orin!! We found another one who didn't have his foreskin forshortened, and you have to have another inch or two Bobbitted!"

The arrogance -- the incredible arrogance. Religion is the most dangerous idea ever invented by man.